The Secret to Success in Law and Life

I was a commercial litigator for over 30 years in New York City. I thought I knew a lot about communications and interpersonal relationships. I understand the value of meticulous research and preparation.

What I didn’t appreciate was the gaping hole in my knowledge of peer-reviewed studies from the fields of psychology and neuroscience. If I had known about them, I would have been a better lawyer, a more effective mediator, and a far more skilled communicator. As a collateral benefit, all my relationships — personal, social and business — would have been immeasurably enhanced.

Here’s what I wish I had known.

Emotions drive decisions
As lawyers, we are trained to focus on facts and apply them to legal precedents. We often pay lip service to the power of emotions in decision making. I didn’t appreciate the dominant role emotions play in that process.

Think about the last time you made a major decision.

Let’s take this example. You wanted to list your home for sale. You interviewed a number of real estate brokers before selecting one. How did you make that decision?

You probably think you acted objectively and rationally. You considered the experience and expertise of the agent. You reviewed their track record of selling homes. Maybe you even called some references.

While you may have done all these things, the dominant factor impacting your decision was your emotions.

Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio is a leading researcher on the importance of emotions. He believes emotions are critical to virtually every decision. In his book, Descartes’ Error , Damasio reports on the result of experiments where he compared those who suffered serious brain trauma with those whose brains were normal. He found brain injuries that impaired the ability to experience emotion significantly impacted the ability to make decisions.

Damasio reported on one patient who, prior to brain surgery to remove a tumor, was a successful, high functioning executive. After surgery, while he could still process information with normal rationality, he lost his ability to experience emotions. For example, when he was shown disturbing images, he had no reaction.

His life promptly spiraled out of control.

He couldn’t hold down a job, got a divorce, and even filed for bankruptcy by getting involved in a shady pyramid scheme.

Psychologists now believe emotions are the dominant driver in most decisions in life.

Facts and legal precedent are critically important, but unless you make an emotional connection with the judge, jury or client, your success as a lawyer will be limited.

The power of “likability”
The specific emotion that drives our decisions is “likability.”

While expertise is important, “likability” may be an equally significant, or even greater, contributor to your ability to attract clients and persuade juries.

According to Mitch Anthony, the author of Selling with Emotional Intelligence , “likability is as important as ability.” Dr. Robert Cialdini, an expert on persuasion, agrees. He notes in an Influence At Work article, “The Principles of Persuasion Aren’t Just for Business,” that “people prefer to say ‘yes’ to those they know and like.”

Michael Lovas, an author and the founder of a coaching firm, succinctly summarizes the importance of likability as follows: “Bottom line — if you want to become more successful, become more likable.”

The consequences of not being likable can be devastating. According to Lovas, if you are not likable, 83 percent of people will perceive you as untrustworthy.

Along with contracts, torts, and constitutional law, I wish my course selection at Penn included “How to Be More Likable.”

Likability tips
Lawyers are understandably focused on their technical expertise. My research indicates becoming more likable is just as important. Fortunately, it’s something over which we have meaningful control. Just like other skill sets, it requires time, effort and goal-setting to achieve.

A lot has been written about how to become more likable. Typical suggestions include having a sense of humor, being humble, and smiling more often. While these attributes can help, there’s something far more powerful you can do to increase your likability. It will have an immediate impact.

Ask questions.
“It Doesn’t Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking,” a study co-authored by researchers associated with Harvard University published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found:

• A strong relationship between those who ask questions and likeability.
• The more questions you ask — particularly follow-up questions — the more likable you will be perceived to be.

As lawyers, we have what’s referred to as “asymmetric knowledge,” meaning we know more about our area of expertise than our clients and other nonlawyers.

Our expertise may cause us to believe others are keenly interested in our views, so we spend much of our time lecturing and educating, instead of listening and making inquiries.

This ingrained pattern can carry over to our personal lives where we can be consumed with trying to impress others with our stories and experiences. As a consequence, conversations can feel like a battle for turf, with each person trying to impress the other.

This behavior actually decreases likability. The Harvard study observed: “The tendency to focus on the self when trying to impress others is misguided, as verbal behaviors that focus on the self, such as redirecting the topic of conversation to oneself, bragging, boasting, or dominating the conversation, tend to decrease liking.”

Our proclivity to convey information, rather than elicit it, is ironic for lawyers, because we are trained to ask questions. It should be fairly easy for us to flip the switch from talking to listening, and from striving to be the most interesting person in the room to becoming the most interested.

Lawyers tend to be goal-oriented. If your goal is to be more successful in business and in life, start by asking soft, open-ended questions that demonstrate a genuine interest in others.